One Year....

A year ago this weekend we were on our way to the Wisconsin Dells and got a call from our adoption worker.  She told us about a mom who was maybe looking at adoption for her two and a half year old and three month old sons and asked if we would want our book to be shown.  We of course said yes and what a journey it's been since then!  These pictures were the first time we met the boys. (We weren't sure if we could take pictures so the one of they baby is the best one we have!)

We met with the mom several weeks later and about a month after the call met the boys! (We discovered before we met them that they were 22 months and 3 months old!  A mere 18 months apart!)  It was such an exciting time, but there was much uncertainty.  We ended up meeting both of the parents over the next couple of months and then the boys moved in with us on January 5.  This was the day they came home with us...

Almost three weeks after they were with us we found out the adoption wasn't going to work out.  Their mom wasn't ready to have the boys back, but their dad didn't want them to be adopted.  So began another journey of pursuing guardianship for the boys. 

Their mom wanted us to have guardianship of the boys so we all met with a lawyer, she signed power of attorney over to us and left the boys with us.  Several weeks later their mom and dad got back together and she started thinking she wanted the boys back.  We never were able to get guardianship  It was quite the rocky ride and on April 13th, 14 weeks after moving in with us, they went back to their mom. 

This was the last picture we have of the kids together...

We don't know why God brought the boys into our lives, but we are so thankful for the time we had with them!  We continue to miss them and continue to pray for them and love them from afar!



Hannah and Samuel

I was reading in First Samuel a couple of weeks ago about Hannah.  So often when we think of Hannah we think of her infertility and her begging God for a child.  We even hear about this preached on Mother's Day in some fashion or another.  Most of us know that Hannah eventually had her child BUT the story didn't end there.  Hannah gave her son back to God (he lived in the temple with the priest) and she went the majority of the year without seeing him.  I know how Hannah felt.  She was a mother whose child didn't live with her.  

My guess is that Hannah prayed like crazy for Samuel!  1 Samuel 2:26 says that "Samuel continued to grow in stature and in favor with the Lord and with men."  That doesn't just happen!  I think it's a tribute to God first and foremost, but also to Hannah and the power of prayer.  

1 Samuel 3:19 says "The Lord was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground."  I LOVE this verse!  I've been praying it for my boys since I read it.  They weren't with us long, but we didn't waste a moment we had with them praying, singing and reading Bible stories. 

 I was in the kitchen one time and looked over to find my oldest boy looking at his Bible all on his own (probably the only time he ever sat nicely!)

He loved to pray...

 And sing...

  I also can't help but believe that Amazing Grace will be his favorite song one day.  I used to sing it over and over and over again as I rocked him to sleep.

And this little guy is clearly praising God by enjoying life!

Thank you to everyone who has reminded us of the power of prayer and how we are intercessors for the boys.  I believe God will use them for his honor and glory some day!

A glimpse of life!

I wanted to share a little glimpse of what our lives looked like while we had the boys.  Some were taken when they were first with us, some when they left or we thought they were going to leave, some were just plain "real life" shots-crying, cleaning up food, riding in the carriers and some show my messy house--I miss that mess!  And most were just too plain cute to not share!

How I wanted to share so many more pictures!  Love these little guys!

See??  Too cute to not share!

I still weep...

It's time for me to be real about the pain of a failed adoption.  I still weep.  The definition of weep is: to express grief, sorrow, or any overpowering emotion by shedding tears.  Just when I think I'm starting to move on I find myself weeping again.  It's not as often as at first but it still occurs.  Sometimes it surprises me...like when I drove into Walmart the other day and teared up at some thought of the boys.  Sometimes it doesn't surprise me...like writing this post...

For those of you that don't know Todd and I brought these two precious babies, Chayton and Kazden, into our home on January 5.  Chayton was almost two and Kazden was about 5.5. months.  This was our drive home with them.

I think Chayton was in a bit of shock  to see all of his toys loaded up and then to be put in his car seat and taken away from the family that provided great love and care prior to the boys coming to our house.  He thankfully didn't scream and cry, but chose sleep instead.  We saw another side of Chayton on a trip a couple weeks after this and he screamed and cried for 2.5 hours...poor baby!

Much happened in the 14 weeks that they were with us.  Maybe I'll post more on that later...it's hard to say.

14 weeks ago today they left our home.  Chayton went to live with his mom and Kazden went to live at his grandma's house.

Here's a picture of them shortly before leaving our house.  You can see how much they changed in 14 weeks!

This is why I still weep.  These two precious boys were my sons.  In fact, I still think of them and refer to them as my boys.  They grew and changed so much while they were with us.  My heart breaks for our loss and for theirs as well and for so many other reasons.  They will have a tough life ahead of them.  They may not learn about Jesus and his love for them.  And while my heart breaks I pray.  I pray for their salvation.  I pray for their safety.  I pray that they will be able to attach and bond to someone.  I pray that they will come to know Jesus as their Savior.  I pray.  I pray.  I pray.  I don't quit praying for them because I love them infinitely.  I want them back more than words can express.  My life isn't the same without them.  

The pain of a failed adoption is a greater pain than I would have ever imagined possible.  It's a deep, deep loss.  It's like mourning a death.  It's a death of dreams, desires, plans, hopes etc.  It's also a death of a future for my boys.  They will have a tough life.  (I know I said it before but it bears repeating).  

I am not without hope.  My faithful God is seeing me through this.  He's with me every step of the way.  He collects my tears (Ps 56:8) and mourns when I mourn.  He sees the big picture even though I don't.  Most importantly, he watches over my boys and I believe, I have confidence, that this is true.  I don't know why God planned for this to happen.  Truly, who am I to question God?  His ways are not my ways and his thoughts are not my thoughts (Is 55:8-9).  But I know that He knows what I'm going through.  How could he not?  He gave up his own Son as well.

A little update...

Apparently I'm not much of a blogger!  I apologize to all of you who have checked back periodically hoping for another post to only see my last post in November!  Much has happened since then... 

Todd and I had an Silent Auction fundraiser in Decmeber and raised about $600...that's to all who participated and prayed for the event!  It was a lot of fun to see friends, and a few strangers, come out and support us in our adoption.  A special thanks to my in-laws for helping us as well!

My brother-in-law made "Got Family?" apparel at his work, The Screen Print Department, and we sold about 25-30 between t-shirts, long sleeve shirts and hooded sweatshirts.  Thanks to all who wanted a shirt!  There are several t-shirts and long sleeve shirts left so if you are interested let us know!  We won't be placing another order, but if you are interested in a size we have you could have that.  Prices are: one t-shirt for $15 or 2 for $25 and long sleeve shirts are: one for $20 or 2 for $30.

On February 3 a crafting fundraiser was held in Michigan for us!  Thanks to Katie Hurst and Kelly Clum with Reclaimed Adoption Fundraisers for organizing the event!  Some items will be available on Etsy for two weeks so I'll post that information when it's available.

Thanks to all who have been praying for our adoption and supporting us through gifts and participating in fundraisers!  We greatly appreciate it and are so thankful to God for providing in such awesome ways!!

Giving Thanks...

There are so many things that I am thankful for this holiday season.  I'm thankful for God, family, friends, jobs, life and so much more!  I'm reminded of a time in college (yes, during class) when I wrote out my blessings and the list went on and on!  I still have that list and look at it sometimes to remember what all God has done in the past.  I'm encouraged by knowing that God IS faithful and will continue to do amazing works in the future. 

I am especially thankful for the work God is doing in my life right now.  I have grown so much through our adoption experience.  It is no easy task to wait for God to provide the money that we need to move forward with the application and homestudy.  We went to our adoption orientation recently and I was ready to run out and get a loan so we could get started.  Thankfully I have a level-headed husband who reminded me that we aren't going to do that right now!  I am reminded on a daily basis that God is sovereign, which means He is in control of everything and I mean everything!  God has a plan for all of our lives and that is something I'm so grateful for!  He knows the beginning and the end.  I take comfort in the fact that my life, and our adoption, is in God's hands.   

A few things I'm thankful for...

Here we go!!

We are ready to start pursuing fundraising now as Todd's school work is almost complete!  We have sent out support letters and have received some money through that, but still have a long way to go!  (Thanks to all who did received a letter for your prayers and financial support.)  Here are some of our upcoming ideas for fundraising...baby bottles for spare change, selling t-shirts, garage sales, possibly a raffle etc.  Please let me know if you are interested in collecting spare change in a baby bottle and I'll get that to you.  More info on t-shirts to come...
One fundraiser that is already in process is Just Love Coffee.  For every bag of coffee that is purchased $5 will be donated toward our adoption.  So for all you coffee lovers out there feel free to visit the site and purchase some coffee!  This would also make a great Christmas gift if you have friends or family that enjoy coffee.  The site is: http://www.justlovecoffee.com/kruseintoadoption
Another fundraiser that we are in the process of getting started is a silent auction.  And Praise the Lord I just found a facility in town that we could use for free!  Our God is good!  We are hoping to do this in December sometime so stay tuned for the details on that.  If you live in the area and have any goods or services you want to donate please feel free to give me a call. 
Thank you all for your support and prayers!